I am the Fool
I am the Fool. Although now I feel trapped and alone, I feel
the direction of the Fool in the cards. I am hopeful and I want to challenge
myself with a radical faith to leave this lonely tower. This blog is the first
step. At least I am able to go out relive my past and be at the moment and look
forward to a favorable future.
After a difficult diagnosis, I thought I can get through
with this on my own. I was totally wrong, I suffered through my disease with
unending doctors’ appointments, doses of medicines I did not know was possible,
and a feeling of weakness I cannot explain. I thought I had a lot of friends, I
asked for help but only a few came running. I saw the real-ness of my
friendships. Feeling hopeless, I phoned my younger sister and asked for their
help. I came clean. I felt the support of my whole extended family just like the
old times. Some still scolded me and some didn’t want to see how the disease
ate me away. I felt loved. Paired with the support of the friends I truly
trusted, I can see a brighter future ahead.
I am a hopeful person. I see myself full of optimism and
faith in the Almighty. Maybe the instances of being “home alone” gets to me
along with some of the side effects of the medicines that I am taking: I end up
crying, curled up in my bed, feeling so hopeless. Maybe the moments of being
sad in my current situation is just a reflection of me reminiscing the happy
memories that I have with family and friends.
I have to admit I am a “Lola’s (my paternal grandmother) boy”.
I used to live with her and take care of her. She taught me how to cook. I was
with her until the last second of her life. Although alone, I celebrate her
birthdays remembering how big of an occasion it always is for the family. I
sometimes cry asking her to take me to wherever she is now because I miss her so
much. My mother’s side on the other hand always plans to go out and party.
Since all of my mother’s siblings (who all lived with us for a while or longer)
have good jobs now, we regularly meet together and eat. We love to eat. That’s
an understatement. But sometimes I still feel left alone and nobody reaches out
to me. But just yesterday, the tita (aunt) that I love so much but had a bad
ending the last time we talked, asked me to go out the house and chat with her.
I treasured that so much in my heart, she even gave me books to read before she
left. I will initiate conversations next time.
With all of these stories from the past and present, where
is the Fool now and how does he interpret himself?
He is ready to go on a new adventure of life. His disease
will not make the most of him. He will work on being a better person, a better
Catholic and a better Carmelite. He will work on being a productive individual
although confined for the moment. Finally, he will open up his heart more to
new things the Universe sends his way.
The Fool is getting off the cliff of despair and on to meet
back his family, his true friends and his real self. He brings with him all the
memories, lessons and experiences he has received from the countless teachers
in his existence. He relies on the never ending support of family and friends.
He also looks up to the Almighty, for the grace of perseverance and strength in
the journey that lies ahead. He hopes to meet more mentors, more true friends
and more people to positively interact with. With all of these things, the Fool
is ready to embark on this journey of life, soul and spirit.
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